Local Visionary Launches 2025 Mayoral Campaign on Platform of Unkept Promises, Hugs, and Karaoke

By Esther Claudette Gittens | Photo Copyright IQ Inc. 

NEW YORK CITY — With tears streaming down her cheeks, a candidate known simply as “X” announced her 2025 mayoral run this week on the steps of a boarded-up former Duane Reade, vowing sweeping reforms that will absolutely never happen but will “look great on Instagram.”

In a speech riddled with emotionally-charged pauses, live poodles, and one viral TikTok dance break, the Brooklyn-based former improv teacher unveiled a five-pronged plan to unite the five boroughs through delusion, dog economics, and digital hallucinations.

PROMISE #1: End School Segregation by Hosting All Classes on One Massive Zoom Call

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“We end inequality when no child has access to anything,” X proclaimed, proposing that all 1.1 million public school students log in to the same Google Meet every morning, moderated by one frazzled substitute named Coach Mike.

Parents applauded politely while googling “how to uninstall Zoom permanently.”

A pilot version of the plan — dubbed Zoomiverse NYC — lasted 47 minutes before the DOE declared a “critical pixel failure” and reallocated the funds to an unrelated citywide ring light initiative.

PROMISE #2: $75 Minimum Wage, Starting With Dog Walkers

Standing in Prospect Park surrounded by 17 off-leash rescue poodles and one confused therapy llama, the candidate declared:

“Dog walkers are the soul of this city. If they don’t thrive, none of us do.”

Economists immediately flagged the initiative, code-named Dogonomics, for its $1.3 billion cost and reliance on a barter system involving chew toys. The City Council ultimately shelved the plan in favor of giving dog walkers one reusable tote bag each.

PROMISE #3: Replace NYPD with 12,000 Licensed Therapists Named Chad

X called for a “feelings-based approach to law enforcement,” arguing that trained therapists could resolve citywide crime through eye contact and emotional mirroring.

Each “Chad” would wear a Patagonia vest and carry a ukulele for soft-power de-escalation.

The “Chad Force” unionized within two weeks, demanding kombucha stipends and six-month sabbaticals. Budget shortfalls ended the program, but not before a YouTube ad featuring a Chad whispering “Tell me where it hurts” hit 4.7 million views.

PROMISE #4: Convert Abandoned Buildings Into Artist Housing & Gender-Neutral Karaoke Bars

“This solves homelessness, loneliness, and the tragic lack of queer Whitney Houston duets,” the candidate stated, pledging to transform every vacant warehouse into a dual-purpose space for art and power ballads.

After the announcement, rent in Bushwick spiked 200%, karaoke machine stocks tripled, and five luxury condos began marketing themselves as “vibe-based shelters for expressive souls.”

PROMISE #5: Free Therapy for Anyone Who’s Ridden the MTA Twice in a Day

“It’s time we stop pretending that taking the F train at 8:45 a.m. is anything less than PTSD,” X said at a press event held on the Union Square platform.

Therapists at the scene handed out business cards reading “Because you took the R twice this week.”

A therapy app launched alongside the promise crashed after 11 users, was rebranded as a “poetry generator,” and is now being marketed to graduate writing programs in Gowanus.

CAMPAIGN GIMMICKS WIN OVER SAD, VIBRANT ELECTORATE

X’s campaign swag includes scented yard signs (“Essence of Brooklyn Brunch”), AI chatbots that auto-reply “Thank you for your feelings,” and a newsletter called The Bureaucratic Buzz mailed weekly to voters who identify as “emotionally curious.”

Her slogan — “It’s Not a Lie If It’s Aspirational” — now appears on mugs, tote bags, and the sleeve tattoos of six NYU interns.

VOTERS WEEP WITH INSPIRATION, CONFUSION

“I didn’t understand a single policy, but when she cried in front of that cracked iPad, I felt seen,” said Park Slope resident Marissa Wendell, misting up.

“I respect that she doesn’t respect reality,” said a Williamsburg DJ. “She’s basically Banksy but with worse shoes.”

Even Staten Island seemed intrigued. “She’s loud. She gestured a lot. It’s very possible I vote for her by accident,” admitted one ferry commuter

FINAL WORD FROM THE CANDIDATE

As her speech concluded, X shouted into a megaphone made from recycled city council reports:

“I will not fix your rent! I will not fix your trains! But I will make you feel very briefly like things might change, and that’s more than most!”

She then disappeared behind a vegan food truck while a local band played acoustic Lizzo covers.

Election Day is November 4, 2025. Polls suggest Candidate X is currently tied with a Central Park raccoon that escaped from a youth voter registration drive.